Regalo

Earlier this week, I was wandering around a part of Madrid I hadn’t been to before, passing the time before a pre-arranged meeting at two o’ clock. I stumbled across a fresh foods market, realised I wasn’t going to get a chance to eat my lunch until four (two or three o’ clock is standard here), and thus decided to pick up a snack, in the form of a small chocolate pastry/ doughnut kind of thing. I was just pulling some cents out of my purse to pay, when the young gentlemen at the counter waved me away, telling me I could have the pastry as a ‘regalo,’ free of charge. Never one to turn down free food, I thanked him, took a bite, and went on my way, as he called after me: ‘¡Hasta luego, guapa!’ (‘See you later, gorgeous!) A similar happening had occurred just days previously, when, having paid for six churros to share with my friends, I was presented with nine by the male chef – three ‘regalos,’ he told me – again, because I was ‘bonita’ (pretty). 

Now, free food isn’t exactly a phenomenon here in Madrid – complimentary crisps/ olives with a beer is common practice. However, the two instances about which I have written directly correlate the free items with the way that I look. As it happens, the day I was given the free pastry was one of the rare occasions when my hair had been freshly washed and I had bothered to put some mascara on. Which made me wonder: would I have still been given my snack as a gift, had my hair been in its usual unkempt state, and my eyes un-made-up, blurry with sleep and framed by bags? I think not. And I am almost certain that I would not have got such treatment had I been male, unless, perhaps, I happened to be in Madrid’s ‘rainbow neighbourhood’ of Chueca. 

External beauty in Granada!

Do not fear – this is not going to be some sort of attack on the patriarchy’s evil attempts to fatten me up; I am not angry about these happenings – on both occasions I accepted graciously, obviously! And I’m certainly not going to accuse these men of being sexist pigs, for I do not believe that either of them were. Perhaps they were ever-so-slightly objectifying me, but not intentionally so, and not to any great extent – as feminists, we have far bigger issues to deal with first! They did not expect to get anything from me in exchange for their generosity; they did not make me feel uncomfortable: they were merely obeying the rules of a sexualised culture that tells us that being beautiful on the outside is worthy of a reward. 

Particularly for women, a ridiculous amount of importance is placed on outward appearance. Without naming names, I can easily think of four or five female artists who have had incredibly successful careers, despite their abysmal singing ability, merely because they are beautiful. Then you have people like Kim Kardashian, who has basically created a brand out of the way that she looks, with rumours going round that she wants to put a copyright on her bottom! If you fit in with society’s ideal of beauty, it would seem that it is often easier to be successful. There are perks to being pretty – people are nicer to you. It is utterly unfair, but apparently becoming increasingly true. Oh, but be prepared to be whipped out of the public eye as soon as you start to show signs of aging - after all, nobody wants to see an ugly bird sat on the news sofa – that’s why we have ‘news’ programmes, right? To see Susanna Reid’s great legs? Keeping up with current affairs, I mean, that’s an added bonus…  

I jest, I jest, obviously, but I do think it’s important to draw attention to exactly how much of our time, effort, money and thoughts we devote to appearance. I worry that it is becoming acceptable to view ‘looking good’ as the most important thing to aspire to. It is far more common for a young woman to sigh, ‘I wish I had her hair/ her figure/ her fashion sense!’ than, ‘I wish I had her brains/ her patience/ her generosity/ her diligence!’ And that is messed up. What is the point of having a generation of woman who are great for looking at, and for having sex with, but hopeless at just about everything else? Of course, that’s a vulgar extremity, but those are the things that girls are under the most pressure from the media, from men, and even from each other, to be good at. 

Clearly, I do not expect a complete neglect of outward appearance. As a friend once said to me when I was debating whether or not I could be bothered to apply eye-shadow for a party, ‘Only do it if you want to. I enjoy putting it on and I like the way it looks, that’s why I’m doing it. But you definitely don’t have to.’ My friends are wonderful, non-judgemental, accepting and fun-loving people; I chose wisely! The same girl went out on another occasion with minimal make-up, black jeans and a shirt, because she’d been sailing all day and wasn’t in the mood for dolling herself up. For her, dressing up was not so entangled in trying to impress others as it is for many of us. Incidentally, she looked great on both occasions – probably because she was content in herself and wasn’t trying to look a certain way to gain admiration or lust. Confidence is attractive. So is smiling and being happy. You can’t fake these things, you can’t buy them, and you can’t slip them on like a new dress from Topshop. They come from within. And whilst we’re busy cultivating our hair, our skin, our figures and our wardrobes, we’re spending less and less time cultivating what’s within: our minds, our souls and our attitudes.

Nourish the mind, the soul... and the stomach.

Time, energy and money are finite resources, and as such, require a certain degree of consideration as to how to make use of them. I, for one, do not want to be spending more time making sure my hair’s just so, and worrying about the size of my thighs, than I do putting a smile on someone’s face, or learning a new skill. Additionally, as much as keeping your body fit is important, not just for beauty but for health, it is also beneficial to give your mind a work-out. And just as your body needs time to rest, you could also gain a lot from taking time out to collect your thoughts and explore your soul. Being beautiful on the inside is not particularly lusted after by society, and it probably won’t earn you a free doughnut. But what it will do is enrich your life, your relationships and your self-esteem.

I want to take external beauty down off its pedestal. Yes, I’m still going to dress up for parties, still going to shave my legs and paint my toenails, still going to enjoy a charming little shoe, or bag, or coat – but I want to limit how much of my finite resources I devote to that. I want to ensure that my desire to look good is only a small proportion of my life, overshadowed by a desire to love, learn, imagine, dream, think, analyse, help, appreciate, and give. For what could be more beautiful (in its fullest sense) than that?